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Breaking up with someone is hard. It is like a death, particularly if you are on the losing side. Hurtful feelings of loss can arise even from a short acquaintance, but it is especially difficult and debilitating when the relationship has gone on for a long time. Women particularly have a hard time of it when they are trying to find a mate with whom to settle down, but their child-bearing years are growing fewer in number.
When we are faced with that loss, it is natural for the mind to reminisce about past experiences with the former partner, and to cling to those memories with the hope that the person will change their minds and come back to us. We mistakenly attribute the beautiful feelings we have to the enamored former love; actually, these beautiful feelings are our own. In other words, when we are in love, we experience a myriad of wonderful feelings about a person; the loved-one inspires those feelings in us. But it is of critical importance to understand this distinction: whatever feelings they inspired come from within ourself. Losing them does not mean losing the ability to feel those feelings again for someone else.
In addition to the physical loss of someone who nurtured us in some way, held us, made love to us, comforted us, talked to us, there is the psychological burden of loss of self. It is common for us who have lost their mate to feel that to get that feeling of well-being back that we had when we were with them, we need to get them back in our life. Attempts to do so—if the person is not in love with us anymore—ultimately prove futile and frustrating. It is like a downward spiral. Energy spent trying to rejuvenate someone’s love is lost in a void created by the fact that they can no longer reciprocate. The more energy we pass to them, the greater is our sense of loss. It is normal to react to an impulse that says that we must try harder to win them back. But trying harder only hurts us more. We lose our dignity and even our sense of self. We feel a loss of our own soul, as if that person holds the key to getting it back. We desperately cling to their memory, feeling that no matter what the cost, we must try to get them back. These efforts are futile and only serve to aggravate the problem. Even if that person agrees to come back, it is likely that it will not work out. They might agree to come back because of guilt, feeling sorry for us, in consideration of the children, or other simliar examples. But these are not reasons that engender real love.
This is a true dilemma. We feel we must fight to get someone back, but in reality the cure is to get them out of our system. Actually, until the moment we really feel that we no longer need them, we will continue to be under the negative spell of the misconception that we do. Yet this is easier said than done. It is a dilemma that sometimes never resolves itself, or sometimes it takes years.
This brings us to a fundamental principal of love and of human relationships generally:
(Axiom 1) When a relationship is in equilibrium, both people have similar feelings towards each other.
From this precept springs another fundamental of human relations:
(Axiom 2) To the extent a relationship is out of equilibrium, the parties have increasingly opposite feelings towards each other.
These two concepts in turn beg for answer as to how to reverse the effects of disequilibrium in a relationship; thus, the following theory arises:
(Theory 1) In order to reverse the polarization of feelings between two people in a relationship that is in a state of disequilibrium, at least one of the parties needs to develop feelings similar to the other person.
Clearly, it is the shunned person who must take action, because the other party is less likely to invest any energy in what is for them a defunct relationship. An example of reversal of disequilibrium lies in the old adage, “The best cure for an old love is a new love.”
Let’s examine what happens when a person that has lost a lover and is distraught finds a new lover. The first thing is that their mind suddenly focuses on the new person, increasingly forgetting the former lover. This can have one of two basic effects.
The old lover is relieved that they no longer have to worry or be concerned about their former mate (who has heretofore been pining their loss).
The old lover may actually be drawn to the person they have previously shunned.
At this point, a note of caution, summed up in another principle:
(Axiom 3) Only true feelings can affect the underlying equilibrium of a relationship.
If a person tries to influence a former lover who has shunned them by false means, it is unlikely to work, and if it does work, it will surely not sustain itself. This principle applies at all levels. For example, in anger, words like “I never want to see you again!” are unlikely to stick if there is no real feeling backing it up.
It is also pertinent to this subject to introduce yet another principle of human psychology.
(Axiom 4) People tend to want that which they cannot have.
Losing someone you love can result in an obsession; it can be thought of as being under a spell. In this spell, a person cannot see what is obvious to others:
That the best thing to do is to move on (i.e., find a new relationship).
That the person is no longer good for you.
That the chemistry that may once have been good between you is no longer positive but negative.
Love is like a living organ. It has a natural cycle. Surely, love can last forever. But often love begins with a seed, flourishes, wanes and ends. If you think of it like this: our bodies are only vessels. On the sexual plane exists a universe of feelings, unfathomable in their depth and mystery. Feelings, though intangible, nevertheless are very real.
If we pay attention our feelings, we will learn the lay of the land, i.e., what the real situation is. If we like someone, it is likely that they like us too. If we love someone, it is likely they love us too. But it is important to remember that these concepts are only true if a relationship is in equilibrium. If a relationship is out of equilibrium, it may be that what we feel towards another is not reciprocated. You can tell the difference by asking yourself if you feel at ease. If you are distraught, perhaps the feelings you think you have may merely be a reaction to the situation.
On gifts to women you are trying to woo
981214 Shanghai
When giving a gift, it should be without strings with regards to sex. If you expect love in return for a gift, you may be disappointed. Better is to give freely, because you esteem the other person or because you simply want to help them.
On the other hand, if there is pressure to make a gift, then it might be easy to fall prey to the idea of something in return. There may be an implication that you will be granted love or sex in return for a gift. Recognize it for what it is. It might be better to forego the opportunity for love in this case, as it may be ingenuous. It is difficult to reject this type of “offer” because it is often mixed with pretended love or even confused love or partial love. Love may be real but be heavily tainted with self-interest. The best thing to do in this case is to search your own heart for your own position and to ask it what it feels coming from her. Your own heart is often a good guide out of confusing dynamics. Also, the more you compare the reality at hand with what you feel, you will gain confidence about what it tells you.
Give gifts with a pure spirit. If not, at least be aware of your expectations and the possibility they will be disappointed.
On Love Has No Reasons
Colombo, Sri Lanka 990513
When one tries to over-intellectualize love relations, it eventually falls short of accurate descriptions. Love doesn’t need a reason to exist. Love just happens and there is no explanation for why a woman might fancy a particular man. It just seems sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t.
That is why:
When I tried to figure a) why did Jennifer give me her telephone number when I asked for it, b) why did she decide over time that she wanted me, before she actually met me a second time, and c) why did she sleep at my place the first night and make love to me the next day, I realized there is no explanation. I was just lucky.
On waiting
Hsinchu, Taiwan 990202
Give me enough time, and I could woo every woman on earth.
I guess it is thought to be old fashioned to wait for a girl. To wait for her to love you. But maybe my style is sort of a “new” twist on an old theme.
I believe on a theoretical basis, in every case regarding a woman, there could be a time when she would accept you as a lover; all you would have to do is wait until that opportunity came and then seize it. Of course, in reality, it cannot literally be true, but it is still important to understand that there is a lot of truth to this. Why wouldn’t a woman want to have sex with you? We may even want to narrow it further to say that every woman you are attracted to would find some attraction in you at one time, however remote that time actually is. Even this is a very positive starting point. Let’s go over it again:
Every time you feel a “flash” for a woman, there is a potential there for you to be her lover. There are usually some circumstantial barriers to overcome. She may be married or committed to someone else, etc. She may not have time. She may not feel like it. She may need to know you better. She may be having some physical problem at the time. So, if it is not to be immediate, what next? Wait!
I find it works very well to build on the initial contact. It is important first of all to build physical trust. She must gain a sense that you are not going to force yourself on her in any way, neither physically nor emotionally. The best policy is to sew your garden carefully and then to allow it to blossom in its own time. In other words, I believe that a woman will ‘let you know’ when it is time.
Of course, you become an agent in this process too. Your own natural desire will help to steer towards the situation you want. This of course should not be suppressed. It is important to let her know what you want. Many times, it is better to state it directly, once you have her confidence. For example, you may simply state, “I want to have sexual relations with you.” Statements like this may seem shocking, given what is considered acceptable practice today. But it will mostly be taken as flattering and honest, again, once you have gained her initial trust. As a balance to this idea, it is important that you do not make her feel “generic” in this regard. In other words, it will be flattering to tell her your intentions, as long as they are perceived as being honest, respectful, non-threatening, and coming from a place in your heart. Your role in the process is to make it clear what you want from her. It is her decision to make.
Of course, if you have the attitude that you simply must have a particular woman and that you must take her in your particular time frame, while you may succeed, overall, on a probabilistic basis, this approach is likely to fail. If you wait, probabilistically, your chances increase exponentially.
So, sew your garden carefully.
This is why:
Even though Rose did not contact me for two years because she was upset with me, I still had hope that she would eventually call. Which she did, and it was great.
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